Butwhat do you mean
Thispaper looks forward to discuss some of the communication issuesbetween genders. This issues are the complaints, apologies and fightsthat transpire between males and females. The paper will be based onthe work "Butwhat do you mean" by Deborah Tannen which has more informationon gender communication.
"Butwhat do you mean" by Deborah Tannen has a clear reference tocommunication as well as the importance of communication that existbetween genders, men and women. This excerpt also mentions thedifferent behaviors of men and women at their home. Deborah helps usunderstand the achievements of men at work as well as the value givento women in business by different societies. The book also explainsmore about the significance of details for women in social life hasmore prominent character men in society.
Bothmen and women have two entirely different relationship styles. Thisis why conflict between males and females is so extremely commonduring their communication. In many instances, both the man and thewoman are left with a feeling of being hurt, misunderstood as well asbeing unsure why the other gender is acting rudely. In this book menand women in Conversation the author suggests further about thedisparities between the backgrounds of men and that of women. "Ifwomen speak and hear a language of connection and intimacy, while menspeak and hear a language of status and independence, thencommunication between men and women can be like cross-culturalcommunication, prey to a clash of conversational styles."(Tannen – You Just Don`t Understand 42). In this case Tannen`s mainpoint is to show that men and women are focused on obtainingdifferent achievements when they interact with people. Women on onehand are focused on relationships as well as building friendships.They have much desire for fairness and want everyone to feel equal.They commonly try to establish a community with those whom theyinterrelate. Tannen suggests that women usually try to avoiddiscrepancies and usually emphasize similarities with aim ofstrengthening relationships. Women have a tendency to focus oncloseness and intimacy but on the other hand focus on independenceand respect. They view the world as a ladder, and in everyconversation they are either one-up or one-down. In eachconversation, there is a goal to be achieved. Men and women have atendency to demonstrate two diverse goals when they converse. That iswhere much of the problem arises in cross-gender relations. Men havea tendency to have conversations and use them in a way to gain power.Women, on the other hand, use their conversations to createconnections with others.
Conversationis the most common form of communication between genders, but it maynot be as simple as we think it is. Males and females have manydifferences while communicating between each other. Men know how toonly comprehend men, as women also comprehend in its totality towomen. Women and men differ in the way they bond with either, theirchildhood socialization, the physical positions each gender practiceswhile communicating as well as their listening habits.
Thereare many differences in the way we bond with our gender. According toTannen’s article, with females it is developing a relationshipintimacy and talk are the main practices that give strength to therelation such as exchanging secrets. However, men base theirrelationships on the things they do together: actual experiences.“Women expect their husband to be a new and improved version ofbest friend.”(Tannen 441) That implies that women are expecting mento respond as women do in certain conditions, like as said beforeexchanging secrets. This is one of the most remarkable differencesbetween man and woman that make each other uncomfortable whilecommunicating.
Whenwe reach adulthood, the problems start to show up especially betweenmales and females. The physical position each gender perceives by theopposite sex may affect while communicating. “Boys and men sat atangles to each other and looked elsewhere in the room… the tendencyof man to face away can give women the impression they are notlistening…”(Tannen 442) She is expressing how women face eachother while talking. While men sat at different angles to each other,looking to different parts of the room. This tendency of men to lookat other angles, may feel uncomfortable for women. As well as men mayfeel oppressed by women while being look up all the time. This is atypical difference we all have experienced at least once in our life.
Fightingbetween genders is experienced mostly among youths and especially inthe marriage. In most cases males tend to feel more superior that thefemales and hence they can’t allow ladies to have a chance to rulethem. In case the female has a chance to make decision, the maleswill always feel inferior and will result I a sort of disagreementhence leading to fights.
Sincemen are more muscular they have more power to fight and in many casesleads confrontations with opposite gender to fights. In mydiscussion with an opposite sex gender, I found that females are at ahigher risk of being fought by men as they are categorized asinferior in most societies. In a case of a married lady, I foundthat, a man had been having extra marital affairs outside theirmarriage with a college student. Upon realization of this by hiswife, the man went up being angry from the confrontations with hiswife. He suggested that he wife never trusted him and these werefalse allegations. Since the wife was very sure of the instances, shekept on insisting and this made the issue to be more difficult on thehusband side causing him to fight back the lady trying to justifyhimself.
Incase of confrontations, women feel it as an attack from the oppositegender this really disturbs them and can even result to a physicalfight. On the other hand, men are always finding a weak point of thefemales in order to use it to attack them and be a base to quarrels.In cases where the females are strong enough, men tend to takecaution and have high respect to these women as they are capable ofchallenging them thoughtfully and even in physical fights.
Thisfight is as a result of a complaint that he wife raised to thehusband. The husband never apologized to the wife leading him to bemore guilty by causing a fight between the two. Apologies to help tocool down harsh conversation between genders and thereby avoidinginstances of fighting. In instances of work place, women willhallways complain in order to secure their relationships. This isbecause the understand that men are always there to attend to theissue causing the complain. In cases where men turn against the womancomplain, the women then to be betrayed and may even cause the issueto be hard to solve.
Onthe other hand a fighting issue on the side of males, I found thatthey can allow to be challenged by their fellow females and in someinstances this leads to fighting. The males have a tendency of notapologizing to any kind of a complaint from a female simply becausethey feel superior and always right. Since females have a soft heartthey also feel affected by small issued that men do and hence theycomplain much. The issue of complain, apologies and fighting areinternally related and one can cause the other.
Theabove issues are hard to find in a more experienced and superiorindividual. This is because they understand each one well and theytake their time to listen to the complaint of the other therebytaking firm steps in making decisions. The superior gender is able totake apologies leading to understanding and hence avoiding fightsbetween the genders. Apologies play a vital role of setting a barrierbetween a complain and a fight that can emanate from it.
Inconclusion, its always advisable to raise an issue in case eithergender is not satisfied and a solution is thereby created. In case ofmisunderstanding, apologies are recommended in order to ensure thatno fights against genders especially in marriages.
Tannen,Deborah. “.” Patterns for College Writing: ARhetorical